07 12 / 2013
If there’s one word to describe how I feel, it’s stupid. Or shit. Either of those. I’m an upbeat kind of girl usually, so this is all a bit alien to me. I don’t really know what’s going on but I’m pretty sure it’s a case of “you always want what you can’t have”. Right now, I’m 99% sure it’s an impossibility.
I had it and I threw it away. I hope someone sees this and understands and I’m kind of hoping they’ll know it was me. Someone, anyone. I feel like I’m drowning. Maybe I’ve been in the ocean for a long time but I’ve managed to keep my head above the water. Lately though, I’ve been starting to slip under.
I’ve never really understood depression but now, well, now I think I do. You slip further and further into the water and eventually you’re so far down that no one can pull you out. Perhaps it gets to a stage where you don’t want to be rescued. I don’t want that to happen and I’m determined not to let it.
I’m not going to cry either. Some people say tears are a sign of strength, or show that you’ve been strong for too long, but I don’t think so. For me, it’s going to show I’ve cracked. And I’m not going to crack. Because I’m strong and I’m not done yet.
Submitted by Anon
29 11 / 2013
You’re the break in the clouds, my inspiration.
I don’t love, I depend, but only on you
Why when we all end the same, do I want my final performance to be a masterpiece? One that ends with you.
My addiction, away from you, I hopelessly search for other ways to satisfy my fixation, looking for shadows of you that never hold your substance.
I ended with you, all that is left is a silhouette, no whole .
I wait for you, alwaysSubmitted by Anon
06 11 / 2013
thisbloghasbeencompromised asked: Hey, I'm just being nosy about your project - what do you actually plan on doing with all of this stuff? If I'm right that this is the epq then I'm doing the same, but my school has limited our options to the 5000 word essay as the artefact (which is fine for me and my horrifically over-researched and very problematic science-based one but other people were really unhappy about it), so I was just curious what you plan on making with this :)
No problem! I’m always open to inquiring minds :) Well for me my blog acts as my artefact, and then I have to do a 1000 word essay supporting it, in which I talk about the failures and successes I’ve had, and the impact I think my blog has had. I do plan on keeping the blog running after my EPQ project is done, as I think it’s nice to have something to vent on, I just won’t need to analyse the data!
06 11 / 2013
I haven’t had the easiest life. It hasn’t been the hardest either. From the ages of 2-11 I was molested by my older brother. No one knows but me and obviously him. I guess you could say I molested my little sister at age 3. I don’t know if I realized what I was doing was wrong. My older brother caught me and told my parents. I was punished and asked where I learned this from. For whatever reason I lied and said “TV”. To this day I don’t know why I lied to protect my brother. I’m not even sure if I regret it. For most of my childhood my mother was very distant towards me. Unless she was drunk. She always gave a lot of attention to my younger sister though. I never really noticed it until I got older and reflected on the fact that my relationship with my mother was a lot different than the relationships a lot of my friends had with their mothers. My dad however, paid a good deal of attention to me. Occasionally he would take just me out and we would do things like go feed ducks together and get lunch. I wondered why he took just me out. When I was 17 while in a mental hospital for a suicide attempt, he told me that these special outing were in fact because he saw the way I was treated by my Mom. She was extremely verbally abusive towards me. A lot of the time it was for no apparent reason. I can only think of one occasion where she was physically abusive though. I’m 22 now and I haven’t seen my mother since I was 11. I moved away from my mother to live with my Dad when I was 9. That was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. There was never a lot of food to eat when I lived with my mom unless my dad came to visit. I don’t even remember what she looks like. All I remember is that out of us three kids I looked the most like her. It’s awkward and foreign for me to see close mothers and daughter interact… It saddens me to know that I will never have that bond with the person who gave birth to me. But I am forever grateful for my dad.
Submitted by Anon
02 11 / 2013
Sometimes it’s difficult for me to express how I feel. I guess right now is one of those times. I’ve never really liked discussing my deep emotions with people. Not my friends, nor my family. For some stupid reason I associate it with a sign of weakness and keep it bottled all in.
But sometimes it really just gets too much. When you’ve had a really shitty day, you’re feeling dejected and low, and then that final straw breaks. And everything inside just falls apart.
I used to be a pessimist, admittedly, and it wasn’t great, so now I try to be more optimistic with life. My problem is that I put so much of my self worth in other people, that I end up feeling really shit about myself really easily. I let myself get attached far too easily, and when things go sour, it really fucking hurts.
I just can’t take rejection very well. It’s probably one of my greatest fears. And so when someone makes me believe they care about me, and then they one day just fall off the radar, it leaves me feeling pretty low. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m the problem, but I know it’s not wise to think like that.
I guess I know I need to stop putting so much worth in others, but sometimes it’s hard to break an old habit. Sometimes it’s hard to see past the grey haze that clouds my vision; to believe in something better. But there has to be better, right?
Submitted by Anon
19 10 / 2013
I’m 17 years old, and I’ve already lived a life full of regrets. All those parties I didn’t go to. All those tests I didn’t study for. All those boys I never kissed and the risks I never took.
In three years time my teenage years would have elapsed and dissipated before my very eyes, and where will I be? Probably in some University somewhere, working towards some degree in the hopes of finishing with good enough qualifications in order to secure myself a good job.
But where does my life really come in? My dreams and aspirations? I don’t want to spend my entire life working towards some goal I won’t be able to truly appreciate until I’m retired with my 2.5 children and my 5.5 grandchildren. Now, don’t get me wrong, we all need to sustain a living, we can’t just ignore the demands of the real world. But we shouldn’t be sacrificing our dreams in order to do so.
And this is why I’m making a proposition, to myself, and to you. Chase your dreams. Do something that scares you, that you wouldn’t usually do. Surprise yourself.
We’re all on this earth for such a limited amount of time, and I think that we end up getting so caught up in the traffic jams, and the work schedules and the pressing deadlines that we forget to really live.
go and watch the sun set. Take a short holiday. Meet someone new. The possibilities are bound by no limits.
Dare to be brave, no matter how big or small the act.
Choose to lead life by your rules. Choose happiness.
Submitted by Anon
16 10 / 2013
I like your project, although I am disappointed by the many entries that play out like sad confessions. Don’t get me wrong: I am not disappointed by the people that wrote them. But so many stories on nothing but life regrets and confessions of depression are far from uplifting. I have an aversion from them now, I hate these stories. There are a lot of depressed people on the internet. Mostly because too much of the internet will make you depressed. Your mood is determined by chemicals, people, and they are released by very banal and uncomplicated things. Exercise. Good food at normal times. Sunlight. Hugs and conversation. Having no friends, no lover or no job fulfilment really doesn’t have that much to do with your general well being, contrary to popular belief. You can make lousy conversation with someone at a bus stop and your brain will still pick up on it and cheer you up. Its really that simple. People that think it really isn’t are guilty of the same crime I was. I wanted my shit to be hard to solve, because if it was really easy to solve I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for all the years I’ve spent toiling with it. I’d feel too much of a fool to handle. If it takes years to overcome an inner struggle to find it was really not so hard, its an anti-climax that’s hard to accept.
I am 22 years old and god, the times I’ve wasted already. Its my biggest regret. It took a rather coincidental decision to go jogging this summer. 5k a day. The first time sucked, the second time I got this ‘runner’s high.’ The release of certain chemicals I don’t know the name of throughout the day after exercise that cheer you up. I liked it, went on with it. I was feeling better, and it felt like I didn’t really have to do the work; it was being done for me. I just had to run: a stupid, uncomplicated, physical act. There was no one around to judge me if I didn’t run well, so sure enough I got good at it too. I was so afraid of failure at that time I could only succeed at anything if no one was looking. I had forgotten what it felt like to be this OK with myself. I felt, not happy, but awoken. No longer numb. And then it hit me.
It started in the morning. I’d lay in bed staring at the ceiling and I had a deafening epiphany. It was like I suddenly attained this outside perspective on who I was. Who I was like a few months ago, what I was like now. It was rough: I had been a gigantic douche to everyone. I wasted good friendships, because I was afraid to call them up to do something fun: surely I was only a nuisance to them. I was insensitive and nervous around the friends I had. How could I have been so blind, is a thought I’d often have. Who had been living my life for me? It was the strangest sensation. I felt like apologizing to everyone I knew for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate. I had been dormant and selfish since I was 12. I hadn’t been at all who I thought I was. Ten years i’ll never get back. I felt so betrayed but I had no one to blame but myself.
First there were the moments of paralysis. But then came the anger. This drunk, envigorating, egotistical hatred for myself and everyone around me. Maybe you’re wondering how self-hatred can be egotistical, or even pleasant. Oh, it’s very pleasant. I have been shit, but I’m going to be however I want to be, and there’s no one in the world capable of stopping me. I have so much potential.
I am not stupid. I know this sounds like the type of late night ephiphany you’ll forget in the morning. I’ve had plenty of those. This felt different, though. I only needed to think about the decade I had wasted to be shaking in anger again. It was like someone lit me on fire. Still, I was afraid I’d forget, somehow, and fall back into old patterns. I drew a cross on my thumb as a reminder. All I needed was look at that cross to remember the decade. It would also remind me to channel my anger into ambition and not let it collapse on to myself. Once again, I cannot stress enough how otherwordly it is to suddenly have all of this energy, and I was afraid it would crush me if I didn’t get out and do something with it. Lastly I was afarid I was making it all up, so seeing my feelings represented by a little physical mark on my body was a comfort.
School improved and I took on kickboxing. I’ve only had a couple of lessons, but I enjoy it so much. I’m the last person who you would imagine to do kickboxing, and that’s why I love it. I do well there. I get some compliments. For the ‘new guy’ (aka the white skinny guy) I do not disappoint. they don’t really care why, or where I’m headed. But I know, and its a secret I’ll share with you. That anger I feel, it’s never as strong as when I’m boxing. It’s a drug. I am not a violent person, so it disturbs me to say this, but I’ll be honest: I really enjoy beating people up. moreover, and arguably even more disturbing: I enjoy getting beat up. I never feel so alive as when I feel blood in my mouth. I’m proud of my bruises. I know it sounds psycho, but it’s true. My fellow boxers are different. They kick like they don’t want to hurt me, but just want to win the game. They don’t like getting hurt, because they like their lives as it is, and an injury could temper that. I’ve got less to lose. And I’ve got more to fear. That’s why I know I’ll win, when we start doing matches, later on. I simply will not leave it to chance.
I’m not that happy, I simply feel more. I’ve got more fears, higher highs. Every emotion I know is amplified. I feel the need to love people, very strongly. Before I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved. I still can’t think of a good reason why I do deserve it now. But the crucial difference is: I now believe others are worthy of my love. I see people that are in need of a cuddle. I no longer think my love is bad news for people. I’m nothing special, no, but my cuddles can cheer a girl up who needs some. My love life has been starkly non-existent, as might not surprise you. The obstacles I have created for myself talking to girls are still there. I am hopelessly inexperienced in anything ‘girl’, and I know things will get awkward. But just like how I love getting beaten up, I love my awkward stumbles and getting rejected. I feel privileged it can make me happy to be me. It’s so much better than the decade of nothingness I’ve come from. I’ve drawn a little heart on my other thumb to remind me of that. With my little cross and heart I can take on the world.
Tumblr is full of people looking for reaffirmation, and it’s a waste of precious life. I’ve seen one too many confessions of depression, or at least laments on how disappointing life is to let this pass me by. It’s OK to not like how things are going. It’s excellent, it means you’re in for a period of improvement later. But don’t come on-line and ask strangers to tell you how serious your problems are. Pisses me off. ‘You don’t understand what It’s like to be me: it’s not as easy as you think it is!’ That’s what you would say. ‘No, but, some other people might have problems that are easily fixable, mine are really, really severe.’ You are no exception, just face up to it. Or, another good one: ‘You’re right! what is WRONG with me, why do I invent imaginary obstacles? I must suffer from some mental dysfunction I have no control over.’ Shut up. You just want to hear the cause to your sadness is real, because having spent years in pain because of obstacles that can be easily overcome is hard to accept. And it is. But its not impossible either. Your brain isn’t as complex or out of control. Just go running, keep running, stop thinking, and punch something. It might not make you happy, but I’m confident it can get you angry.
Submitted by Anon
14 10 / 2013
If you like the sound of my blog, then share it with your friends! As many submissions as possible are needed, and we’ve all got something we want (or perhaps don’t) to share!
Any help would be greatly appreciated!
08 10 / 2013
Anonymous asked: Are you going to post up your project when you're done with it?
Well the blog takes up most of my total project, and then we have to do an essay in the style of a dissertation. I wasn’t thinking about putting it up, but may perhaps once it’s done. (Although it will probably be really boring!) I hope that answered your question :)
06 10 / 2013
Yo listen up, here’s a story about a guy that lives in a blue world, okay those are lyrics from a song I like, but I do actually like the colour blue. In all seriousness though I guess this isn’t really a story, more of a personal description, but you could read it like a story? Anyway, where do I start. Sometimes I find it hard to articulate what I want to say, and this is one of those times….I can tell you about me, I would say I’m friendly, well most of the time at least, and I’m usually the person who makes the first move in one of those semi awkward meeting new people for the first time scenarios. That being said I’m no social hub, sometimes I find conversation tiring, especially with some people, but equally sometimes I can’t shut up, which I guess could be annoying, or a good thing depending on how you look at it. I wouldn’t say I’m a positive person although people have told me I am, what I think is that I generally try to make the best of most things when I can or have the energy, but I also like to be dead realistic and sometimes I’m pessimistic. I’d like to think I’m down to earth as, I like simplicity, straight talking, telling things how they are without offending people. I respect other people who are down to earth, and take a dislike to snobbery and arrogance. I think most people are nice, but I have a soft spot for people who share my traits. I don’t especially like planning things but at the same time I like having some control on things in my life. Not in a control freak way, I just like to know where I am what I doing and where I’ve been if that makes sense, it makes me feel safe. I judge people all the time I can’t help it, but I don’t let those judgements influence my opinions and actions. I’m grumpy and argumentative as well for a lot, I do my best not to be those things though when I can. I get attached to things, objects that have sentimental value, sometimes people if they mean a lot to me. I’m quite self conscious, sometimes I care to much about what people think of me, and I over think things a lot. I guess when I really want to I can suppress my nerves and do something bold, but I think that’s why I like acting, because it makes me feel more confident that I actually am, like I’m fooling myself. I like people in general, talking and listening is great. I like some people more than most people, some people a lot more, but I guess what I’m trying to say is people are important to me. That’s probably why I like to please people, make them laugh, I like funny people, I like it when I’m funny sometimes, humour is in my opinion one of the best things in life. I think that’s probably enough about me, but if you’re reading this then, thanks, I appreciate it, I guess it means you’ve read the whole “story”, or you’ve just skipped to the end, either way you’ve been reasonably interested right?
Submitted by Anon